As If I Care.

Day 3-7 and Beyond

2008-11-25T21:36:00.001+05:30

Oh yeah..I had to update about the remaining diet days…ummm…

Day 3 was bananas & milks & soup…so u can imagine how it went! Started with banana shake...and veg soup and then some more veg soup and bananas and then some milk. If anyone wants to know how a banana fed cow looks like, meet me.

Day 4 was all fruits & veg. Same old soup and same old fruits. I can sense their disdain when I reach out for them in the fridge.

Day 5 was chicken & tomatoes. NOW WE ARE TALKING!! I made some nice chicken stew. ZERO oil. This lasted me till tea time. Dinner was Minced chicken..yumm!

Day 6 was chicken & veggies. No chicken today as had no time to shop. Had the usual veggie fare.

Day 7 was rice & veggie & fruits. Had everything except the ones mentioned here.

So, Day 7 marked end of a uneventful diet program. The results? Well well…didn’t check!! Actually, didn’t bother to. But I have lost some inches and few of my old clothes which were on brink of being labeled as “Once worn, Cant Anymore” fit me now.

It was a nice diet plan actually...key learnings being lot of water, daily exercise (even if its for 10 mins) and no skipping breakfast.

But hey, didn’t momma already tell me this before I fooled around with diets?? Sigh. We’ll learn the hard way…we are like that only :D!

Maggi Maggi Maggi

2008-10-03T18:33:00.001+05:30

Once you cross 25…you begin to count. Not just days & months as they etch by, but also those memories of 2.5 decades…which tend to grow more wooly, indistinct and far off if you don’t keep jogging your cells often.

During my brunch which consisted of Maggi noodles (and this despite several vows to eat healthy), my mind took a leafed through the History book...(my! I sound Neanderthal) to check on entries matching “Maggi+Noodles”. I think my first word did start with an “M”…no...not Mama/Mummy…yes...you got that right! I must’ve opened one eye…looked up at the crowd of curious adults staring down at me and bawled, “Maaaaaagggggggggggiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii” and Nestlé’s marketing director who was having his kid delivered in the next room must’ve quickly obliged.

Maggi was everywhere when I grew up…it was a prize for behaving well…it was the tool to pataofy me…it was there in the lunch box…during the dinners…during the brunch…and even when you weren’t hungry but really wanted to eat something. My school used to have this Maggi lunches wherein all of were provided free maggi! Unlimited! Slurrrpp!!

Over the years, so many flavors were introduced, taken back, re-introduced…masala, chicken, tomato, chatpata, curry, lemon, pulao, chowmein, veg atta, dal vegetable (yucks), hot & sour, etc (please add to the list if I missed any!)

I remember looking on anxiously as Mom would serve the noodles in different bowls. I HAD to get the max AND also the utensil in which it was cooked! I would happily lick it up post finishing my royal meal …LOL! Even today…it’s the best thing after sliced bread. Filling and nostalgic. Just add anything to it…cook it the way you like it…it tastes awesome!

And BTW, I could NEVER make it in 2 mins!

Just for you, sweetheart.

2008-08-11T18:28:00.000+05:30

Kahin to… kahin to
Hogi wo,
Duniya jahan tu mere saath hai..

Jahan mein, jahan tu,
Aur jahan, bas tere mere jazbaat hai,
Hogi jahan subah teri,
Palko ki, kirano mein,
Lori jahan chand ki,
Sune teri baahoin mein..

Jaane naa kahan wo duniya hai,
Jaane naa wo hai bhi ya nahi,
Jahan meri zindagi mujhse,
Itni khafa nahi..

Saasein kho gayi hai kiski aahon mein,
Mein kho gayi hu jaane kiski baahon mein,
Manzilon se raahein doodhti chali,
Kho gayi hai manzil kahin rahon mein..

Kahin to, kahin to,
Hai nasha..
Teri meri har mulaqaat mein,
Hoton se, hoton ko,
Chumti, o rehte hai hum har baat pe,
Kehti hai fiza jahan,
Teri zameen aasmaan…

Jahan hai tu, meri hassi,
Meri khushi, meri jaan…

Jaane naa kahan wo duniya hai,
Jaane naa wo hai bhi ya nahi,
Jahan meri zindagi mujhse,
Itni khafa nahi..

Just Me.

2008-07-05T00:31:00.004+05:30

At those lonely hours of a cold night you wonder...how much have you invested in yourself to keep your being afloat at such times?

Do you have any habit or hobby you can fall back on to see yourself through such still hours? You fall back on your friends without for once thinking that they too have their lives & cant be there every time you need them. Do you even 'need' them now or are you are using them as a defense against Loneliness? Are you curing the problem or its symptoms? Thank Lord for the pals you have...who lift you through...what if for once they couldnt? Would you fall flat?

You can sit still for hours when you are alone...its like something is lost. You exist in them...in people around you. Their presence revives you...you are a low key raaga without them. You are so completely detached from your surroundings that it sometimes startles me that you are even present in the room! It seems like you really arnt here...you are somewhere else...mebbe with all those people who arnt near you at that point...

Or we could be misinterpreting the whole thing. It could be that you are so at peace with yourself....like a still lake...an inert body comfortable with its state...that you dont feel the need to engage yourself by indulging in any activity. You draw into your shell, you typical Cancerian.

Whichever way it is, I still love you.

God bless.

© Zarine.

In pursuit of Happiness!

2008-07-04T10:39:00.005+05:30

Heylos...uff..I cant find a comfortable position to sit in...grrr! Will make do with the current one...hmm.

I surfed the Net for some images on Happiness & this what I chose to post:-

I believe Happiness is accepting & loving yourself. As is.

© Zarine.

Catchin up

2008-07-01T22:48:00.003+05:30

Phew..the days jus run..no, whiz by these days. In between the 2 posts...my birthday came & went, a promotion happened, 5 terminations and endless hours of employee counsellings. As always, loads to write but no time to string it all and stitch it here! I like the sudden rush....but hope things turn sane soon.

© Zarine.

Do Distances matter?

2008-06-04T17:07:00.002+05:30

There’s this friend of mine who I met over the Net. I still rem’ber his first line…it was “How shameless can you be?” And the topic in question was my making blind guesses in the Quant section in CAT 2003. I don’t rem’ber my reply though…I jus recall I was a lil taken aback!

It’s been 4 years now. We’ve met thrice. But he was always there when I needed him. I hope it was vice versa as well. We talk like 2, max 3 times in a month since we got working. Imagine meeting someone who’s so close just 3 times out of the 1400 days that you know each other. And actually, if you add up the time we spent with each other on these 3 days, it’ll add up to just a day!!

He’s someone I’m proud of. He reinstates my belief about relations being all about minds connecting & staying in touch.

Distances…they come in between if you let them.

Pa(i)nting!

2008-05-29T13:51:00.003+05:30

Umm...ho hummmm....mmmmmm...errrr....aaahhhhhh...eeeemmmmm....OK DAMN here it is :- I've resumed painting after more than 10 years and am shit scared coz I dunno if i rem'ber anything abt it and I did try today and I'm still little naive about the whole thing and am ok with the pencils and not so ok with the sketches and have managed to do a decent job with the water colors and the more I try to improvise them the worse they get so I decided to just let them be and the rate at which am using my water colors, am gonna run out of them in a month's time!!

That was the longest sentence of my life. *RUNS*

© Zarine.

Tere Liye

2008-05-16T17:27:00.004+05:30

I was listening to this Veer Zaara song "Tere Liye" and suddenly recalled how I bawled uncontrollably in the theater! I mean, I was us fine till the scene before that...and as soon Preity walks in & the music begins, tears roll down! That moment when they face each other after 22 yrs...man....I couldnt control myself! Imagine....here you are...your life ruined & everything lost...and you still carry on just because of the one person who you love so much....you give up on your life just to withhold that person's dream/dignity...when you pretty well know you can never get him...when you have given up hope of ever seeing him again...and there he is! The person who you revered in your thoughts for more than 2 decades, standing before you. In the same deplorable condition as you were, for the same 22yrs. For the same reason as yours. For the same love.

Bawl!!!!!!!!!! Am gonna cry again!!!!!!!!!!!

© Zarine.

In all His Glory.

2008-05-16T16:28:00.004+05:30

God is such a personal aspect of one's life. We come across so many people citing how God should be worshiped, how your relation with Him should be and the usual Do's & Dont's. There might be times when you dont relate to what's been preached, but you are apprised that you do not know since it requires an understanding at a higher level or that people with more insight & knowledge say its right...and hence it should be right.

So there you are...confused. Should you go by what your nubile mind thinks or what a more knowledgeable mind preaches. You might tread the latter path for the fear of doing something wrong in your ignorance. But even if you still do something 'wrong' due to your ignorance in your quest of understanding God, does the Almighty view it so severely? I dont understand the "God-fearing" funda. Can you love & accept someone wholeheartedly if you feared Him? There's always this barrier of fear. The constant act of getting approvals & acceptance...of doing the right thing lest you invite His Wrath.

A colleague related the God-Man relation as that of a Mother-child one. Mother creates the kid, brings him up with all love, tells him what's right & what's wrong. Now if the kid doesnt do as the Mother has taught him, she gets upset & punishes him. She's punishing the kid for his own good, but the kid, in his limited sensibilities, does not understand this. For him, mom is 'bad'.

Fair. My question is, which life is worthy of the two....the one where the kid does as the mom says & obeys all rules & doesnt do any bad stuff OR the one where the mom informs the kid of the basic rules of life & just lets him discover life on his own. Where the kid doesnt swing at all fearing that he will swing too high & fall OR Where the kid knows he will fall if he swings too high & controls his speed accordingly.

I know, in my limited sensibilities, what's right & what's isnt for me. I might be completely off the mark, for all I know. But how will I know until I test it out? I hope the choice isnt between trusting God or trusting myself. It should rather be about me trusting myself & knowing God is there incase I falter. Trusting Him to take care of me when I cant. Trusting the fact that God will watch over me when am fooling around in my ignorance....and leading me to wisdom.

He has to be with me. He has created me. I'm His responsibility.

That doesnt imply am shaking off the responsibility of my actions. But it implies, as I accept Him in every situation of Life...without questioning Him, He too must accept me in whatever I do. My God cant be conditional in His love. I cant keep thinking how I can please Him and gain His approval...I'd rather spend that time in doing things I know are right. Let Him decide if its actually so or not. I know I'll have to bear the result of my actions, but even then I'd trust Him to be besides me.

It troubles me no end when people project God as a score keeper. Score of all your good & bad deeds & rewarding/punishing you accordingly. God's gotta be much more Magnificent than that. God has to be the Hope. He has to be the Love & Peace one needs so badly at times. God has to be the reassuring Voice which states all will be fine again. He has to be the Voice which guides you. The one which warns you of impending dangers. God has to be within you. He cant possibly be anywhere else. My God cant be anywhere else.

© Zarine.

Aah!

2008-05-06T19:49:00.003+05:30

Damn, letting go can be tough. But it's an exhilarating feeling once you that. Am letting go of my life...stop being a control freak. There's no point losing your cool over something you have no control over. On the ones you do, why lose control when you can mend it right?

Dont control...other reactions, their expectations, the outcomes, their thoughts, your fears, your heart, your mind & "the-way-it-should-be"s. And voila! You'll discover how much you've been missing in life!

And a parting line from one of favt songs :-

When you want it the most there's no easy way out
When you're ready to go and your heart's left in doubt
Don't give up on your faith
Love comes to those who believe it
And that's the way it is

And this is for my best buddy :-

I can read your mind and I know your story
and I see what you're going through yeah
It's an uphill climb, and I'm feeling sorry
But I know it will come to you yeah

When life is empty with no tomorrow
And loneliness starts to call
Baby don't worry, forget your sorrow
'Cause love's gonna conquer it all, ALL!

And I'll always love you.

© Zarine.

Giving myself a chance - II

2008-04-25T12:19:00.002+05:30

How do you get started when you are nervous? How do you get yourself to believe that you can do it…and that it doesn’t matter if others are grimacing?

It amazes me how much it matters…the perception you make on others. How they look at you, how they think about you? Do you ‘qualify’? Are you good enough? Will this impress them or will they accept me if I did this? Does my acceptance of self depend on theirs of me? (What English is that??)

Whatever, my wondering sessions will never cease!

I made a stunning discovery about myself last night, stunning being an understatement. It was this constant wondering about why I wasn’t reciprocating to something; let’s call it “Activity”. This Activity was on my list for more than a year and I simply couldn’t get down to doing it. I discussed about this with my guy and he did his best to support me…but, eventually he faced the fact too that I was simply not responsive to it. Infact, last evening was one of those days when I tried to draw up a schedule(yet again) & get myself enrolled…basically, get someone who can make me do it. But..no…it fell on its face…FLAT. As always.

Now, I’m someone who knows what I’m doing & why I’m doing it. Everything I did had an answer/reason/objective/motive behind it & am cognizant of the same. But I simply couldn’t figure out what was stopping me from doing this Activity. I thought…and boom it stuck me. And that strike completely bowled me over. I was lost, for God knows how many minutes…my mind went numb…or went into an overdrive…I dunno..it tried analyzing the reason that was thrown up…and it couldn’t agree less! For almost 26 goddamn years, I was living with a thought I didn’t know existed! And now that I know it…it still as difficult to digest.

While the revelation is intensely personal, it suffices to say that it has changed the way I look at myself now. Am still groping with this new feeling…However, this has changed things & I’ve made my first attempt at the Activity. Inshallah, I intend to see it through this time.

And I need to change the blog template. It’s stupid.

Giving myself a chance

2008-04-25T11:06:00.001+05:30

Starting on a brand new day. Learning how to fall in love with myself….for the first time ever….it’s tougher, as I know my failings…but am gonna sincerely try.

Do saal

2008-04-15T14:09:00.002+05:30

In another week, I’ll compete 2 years of my ‘professional life’. Ah! 2 saal. Those first 3-4 months…I remember them so vividly. Eager & hungry. Full of energy & promise. Smiling at everyone….bright new mornings…chirpy self…enquiring mind & observing eyes.

2 years….what has changed? Definitely have subdued down…don’t jump the gun anymore…take more informed & calculated decisions…don’t fret & fume over escalations…can handle pressure better now…know who to smile at…know what to ask & to whom…can manage time better…and most importantly…know where I’m headed now.

Net net..it’s been a good 2 yrs…with a fair share of ups & downs…and I’m loving it! Yakkkuuuu!!!!

Mwwaahhhaaahahahaha

2008-04-07T19:38:00.000+05:30

A new template! YOOHOO!

Life Matters.

2008-03-29T12:35:00.005+05:30

What or who matters in life? Does life itself matter? Can one just live through it as if in a hazy dream? Or a hazy nightmare?

I so often catch myself wondering what's the purpose of living? Why do we live? No, it's not one of those "purpose of life" discussions wherein you try to figure your mission on this planet. It's a one wherein am questioning the need for life on the planet itself.

There has to be more to it than a mere creation of God, sent on this planet as a punishment for Adam & Eve's deeds. There has to be more than just Good vs Bad, more than Us vs Them. Did God create us to check how we combat temptations? Is that all? How we respond to crisis & how we uphold our integrity? All this....this suffering...this violence...the joys...the happiness....the manipulations...the honesty...the whole hog...all to test the being? For what? And why?

Family ties, friendship, enmity, betrayal, tears, sacrifices, testimonies...for what?

Is the fear of God & His Anger the deciding factor of one's action? Do you do good to please Him? Or do you do good because the situation warrants it & that's the right thing to do? When you do wrong or are unfair, what do you fear the most? God's punishment or the wrath of a lost hope?

How much does the human being matter to you? If God's within each one of us, arnt we repeatedly killing Him when we thoughtlessly hurt people around us?

When you are at a crossroad of breaking someone's trust, do you go ahead? How easily? And if it involves a choice between trust of 2 parties and one has to be broken to honor the other, how do you decide? Do you do a cost benefit analysis to find where the least damage is? It's still betrayal at the end of the day.

That brings me back to the question. Is this what Life is all about? How you carry yourself through it...how many friends & foes you make by the end of it? Or how famous you were?

I guess, for me....Life's all about a Heart. Not how many you have won, rather how many you could've chosen to break....but didn't.

© Zarine.

The clock's ticking.

2008-03-23T20:14:00.001+05:30

I took a stress test today. The results were "Stressed Out. You may need help." Now before that Heart Attack pays me a visit, I must turn to someone I really love & ask him to bail me out.

© Zarine.

Agdam Bagdam

2008-03-23T13:34:00.002+05:30

I didn't know cornflakes with Badam milk & some oranges tastes so good.

Man, am all over the place these days. My speech is incoherent...I think faster than I speak which results in some garbled speech! After 2yrs of working, am off late feeling like a new joinee! Am so anxious all the time. The past 6 months have exhausted me completely. So much so that am looking forward to the one new member joining my team. Am gonna dump everything on that poor lad/lass & RUN!

But what is it exactly?? I need a review. Yes, that's what I need. It'll give me some perspective on the last 6 months. I need to recharge & rejuvenate myself. I need to go to Kerala.

See? see see see? One minute I need a review, next minute I need Kerala!!

Sannnyaaassss!!!!!!

© Zarine.

Incomple..

2008-03-15T11:32:00.006+05:30

--

2008-02-23T01:27:00.002+05:30

Am REALLY Bored.

© Zarine.

Gussssaaaaaaaaaaaaa

2008-02-18T14:46:00.001+05:30

Bloody helll!! Sometimes it gets just so damn difficult!! You’d want someone you can shout at and bully coz there has to be some outlet to the anger simmering inside you!!!! That also shows how mentally instable you are! And how you’d want to feed your ego by doing all this. Wont help ya, kid. Trust me, it’ll only get more pathetic.

And keechad se dur raho agar apne haath saaf rakhna ho to.

Cheers!

2008-02-01T19:37:00.000+05:30

Time to celebrate!!

In the past few weeks…I was so bogged down by work that my morale took a hit. A nice hit, at that. Work work work. But as things go, one has to keep working and slogging. Then popped my Super boss. He wanted me to design the career path program for one of overseas operations. Okay….and what inputs do I have about their profiles?…Not much....Okay…Can I have a look at their performance management system to design the criteria?....No, there isn’t any in the first place….Okay…Any Ops plan to figure the Org development chart?...Nopes….Cool…How long do I have design this ‘career path’?....3 hours….Fantastic….Atleast let me know what these people are supposed to do post promotions, so that I can design a competency map???....That’s available!...Thank Great God…Life’s not that unfair, after all!

So basis the ‘inputs’, I design a career path…not just 1 level but a level above that as well. Mail it to him. He mails it to his Boss…she shoots it down with 3 questions…he braves it and answers them…he had the answers…after all the program was fool proof ;)…okay…the good news is…it’s gonna be implemented…in the chaos…I stand still for a moment…pat my back for the good work…feel realllllyyyyyyyy good…and move on…

Sigh…such is life….celebrations are short lived…disasters are soon forgotten…life moves on….

Yaawwnnnn Monday morns!!

2008-01-21T12:43:00.000+05:30

Man, I’m bored…and how bored I am!!! Monday morning…first time in the last 4 months when I didn’t feel like coming for work. Add to the fact that it’s an off for Operations…it makes the whole thing more dreary. I was wondering if I can go back home by 5?

Wah…I’m even looking low! “Monday is the key point…Monday agar nikal jaaye, toh no problem” chirps my VP - Training. Ma’am…problem Monday ki hi hai! L

It’s been one of those weekends who’s after effects are felt in the upcoming weekdays. I bought a new cell, btw. There’s a no-cam phone drive on in my biz unit, and as always…HR has to be the first one to comply.

Jeez…I feel so dead this morning. Let’s listen to Radio…

1. 92.7 - Delhi Fry..a cookery show with some Suruchi…nah..next..

2. 91.1 - Some ad going on a girl “Who’s a naukrani but wants to become uske khawabon ke raja ki rani…watch “Raja ki aayegi baaraat” on Zee”.

3. 98.3 - Nominations for “Femina Miss India” on…logon to feminamissindia.indiatimes.com for more details.

4. 104.8 - Ladkiyon ko sasural se kitna attached hona chahiye.

5. 104 - “Maa” song from TZP. Hmm…some music finally.

Chalo…life looks a lil bright with some mujik.

New year resolutions

2007-12-18T13:22:00.000+05:30

Hirdu Has tagged me for publishing my New year resolutions. Ah! Tagging reminds me of those good ol times...when we had just started blogging and the whole 'tagging' was a 'in' thing to do. Wherever one would go....there would be some post honoring some tag.

Good ol times.

Ok, let's get back to the topic. I checked my Jan 2007 post for 2007 resolutions and was amazed at how I did uphold some of them without realising it. Let's see how I fare in 2008.

Damn, I cant think of any resolutions! :(.

Umm. Ok...just one.

I'll take care of myself.

I know how difficult it is. Let's try :).

© Zarine.

Lost in the maze.

2007-12-18T12:59:00.000+05:30

Everything cant be important. Everything cant be urgent and everything cant be "do or die". What's the fuss about??

Corporate lives are so dictated by deadlines. And half of them were to be met 'as of yesterday'. I realise (which I keep doing every now & then), we got nothing to lose we if we stop fretting & fuming. I love my Hyderabadi culture for this. "Ho jaayega...tensions kaiko lere?" Chill. I keep chasing myself...yeh karo, woh karo. Uff. Kaiko??? Nai karte. Karlo jo karna hai.

Hehehehe. It'll be fun if I can say that to my Boss ;). But unfortunately, I've built for myself a repute wherein any report/ data is submitted much before the deadline. Now, that's coz I leave everything that I'm doing and finish the task who's deadline is closer. Bad. Bbbbbaaaaddddd man!!!

My little over 20 months experience in Corporate life tells me that things eventually manage to happen. If you dont do it, somebody else will do it for you and vice versa. But I'm so hung up on doing my own things, that I dont remember when was the last time I delegated. Wait. I think I did so recently. Hmm. So I delegate to my subordinates, but I dont delegate to my peers. Okay. Let's leave it at that.

Am directly responsible for 300 people and indirectly for another 120. No wonder am stuck to my Laptop & phone all the time....solving queries, hiring, redeploying, report outs, pitches and all that jazz. I need to reach out to my people. How sad it'll be, if folks whose queries I solve dont know how their HR manager looks like :((.

So what's the point here? I need to prioritize. Bah. Rather I need to break free! I had decided on some model for my time management....havnt yet implemented it due to lack of time! How ironical!!! Well...lets do it then. Some discipline...some method...some sense and some sanity is badly required.

© Zarine.

'X' Dimensions.

2007-12-18T12:21:00.000+05:30

Cobwebs are built in those areas where there's less or no activity.

The human mind has many dimensions. The spiritual, the social, the self, the philosophical, the philanthropical, the practical, the materialistic & the ethical. Now, given the pace at which we live our lives, one of these is bound to be more active & another one the least. That's when cobwebs start developing in those dimensions. Our clarity of thought is affected when we try to access them. Over a period of time, we stop thinking in those dimensions & our thoughts clearly lack a 'holistic' view.

It can be taxing at times if one wants to be all of the above. The point isnt to be all of the above at once....but to be one of them atleast once, over a period of time. Atleast 2 dimensions can be incorporated in daily lives, without even realising it. More than 2 would require some effort, but should be easy with practice.

Now, as complex as the human mind is, the 2 dimensions that we choose to incorporate also have to be the 'right combination'. Combining Spiritual with Philosophical might make others think that you have lost it. Materialistic + Practical might make you shrewd & manipulative. Ethical + Philanthrophical would make you a Saint. To be 'complete', one needs to discover the right combinations of dimensions to be used at the right time.

That's experience. And a rich one if you learn each day.

© Zarine.

I miss her.

2007-11-30T12:25:00.001+05:30

Today one of my best buddies, Seema along with her cute lil daughter, left for Saudi Arabia to join her husband. When she was in India, we’d talk atleast once every 2 weeks and catch up. I met up with her on my last visit to Hyd. I’m already missing her.

With my mood already in the flashback mode, I switched on my comp and selected songs from 2002-2004 releases. That was the time when we were closest and had a time of our life. And while I listen to these songs, not just Seema, but couple of other pals also flashed my mind. Life was so innocent just ~6 years back. What were the worries besides lectures, notes & projects?

Endless chatting on Y!...infact, 2 of my good pals now come from those mad chatting sessions…Ritesh & Zain. Glad both of them doing well for themselves in life now. But I miss those times. Life was so full of anticipation back then…there was so much to look forward to.

What’s life now? It’s a series of meetings & deadlines. Week after week, month after month, year on year. Same goals…give some, take some. Atleast, off late, I have the flexibility of working from home. Thanks to which I didn’t miss any deadlines. Back to square. You can shout, but you cant escape.

I cant understand myself at times….aur kya chahiye mujhe life mein? I need some inspiration. Work has never been & will never be an inspiration for me, no matter how much I love it. I need something that’ll take me away from the rigmarole. That’ll make me smile & feel like a kid. Make me feel secure & at ease. Make me feel alive. I feel all the above when I’m with my guy…but he has his limitations as well…he’s much more committed to his career than I am. I want to depend on something independent. I have lost my mind.

God…please take me back to those times… :-(. Gimme that frame of mind back atleast, if nothing else!!

Within Me

2007-11-25T23:26:00.000+05:30

Hmm. Ajeeb dastaan hai yeh. Kahaan shuru kahan khatam....yeh manzilen hai kaunsi...na woh samajh saken na hum.

25 yrs have passed since I came into existence. Another 25...max 35 to go, if all goes well. Life seems such a waste of everything. It's all gonna end into nothing. In this short span...such short passage, we manage to make so many friends & enemies...how many we choose to forget..how many we choose to ignore...how often we break hearts & how long we nurture heart breaks. even when I say "Shrug and move on", it seems so futile. Move on to what?

At such times, those cliched words come to mind..."We all have a purpose to fulfill." Somehow that purpose seems much more than anything materialistic. It seems that in this short span...God wanted us to know & to live. Know what's the whole fuss about...know that being alive means much more then breathing & earning a 'living'...

It's to realise about God Himself....how He embodies in each one of us...how He'll take care of our 'troubles', if we trust Him to...how at times, it's just the strong faith that sees us through the darkest times...how trusting God is also about trusting your own self...

At the end of this journey, each one of us should know what we truly are...you know, at times there are few elderly people whose faces reflect their wisdom and a serene calmness. These people have discovered themselves & thus discovered God.

I yearn for that peace...that tranquility which speaks in each of my actions. I know it requires me to have tremendous faith in my abilities & not panic when the I dunno where am heading. For strong faith can only be built through testing times. Trust can be rock solid, if it can withstand rough weather.

I pray to you God...help me discover You...help me discover myself.

Aameen.

© Zarine.

Bee..be?

2007-11-16T22:23:00.001+05:30

Brrr!!! I have this bee which keeps going round and round and round in my head...irritating me no end. It’s a constant buzzzzzzz which makes me insane. It brings a frown to my face. I dunno what to call it…but it keeps reminding of all the incomplete/ failed/ dead tasks. Though I keep telling that useless gnat that if things are that way its coz others haven’t done their part…it buzzes back with “Still, it was your responsibility!!” This thought weighs me down. I feel so irresponsible. I feel like that stupid gnat…simply buzzing around with no purpose. I feel shit. I feel this...and that and that and this.

I don’t care no more. That feeling is gone. Primarily, it was there not coz I didn’t deliver…it was there coz what would others think about me. Omi Gosh! How incompetent I am!

Yeah, yeah. I wonder why I should live up to anyone’s expectations. Why should I strive to deliver more than expected? Why should I have a reason to live? Or to love? Or why shouldn’t I?

It’s this bee which is making me type all this, ok?! And this what too much work can do to you. You blabber and jabber. And wonder endlessly. I also wonder why people want fame in life. Who remembers them after they are gone? And its for a very lucky few that their fame lives till their very end. For most, its 15 minutes and then gone. They live the remaining life either fending off on those minutes or pining for more of it. Kya hai?!

I also discovered that when, in the end nothing matters, you become very complacent and laid back. There’s no drive, there’s no fire in the belly, there’s no ambition, there’s no nothing. Except for a huge, vast space which you wonder how to fill up. A huge canvas called life….since there are no conditions to color it…you wonder how to start and where. Which strokes to put and which number brush to use. Life’s your imagination. You have no preconditions dictating how to the picture should look, except for your own fertile mind.

Sounds so good, doesn’t it? But is it possible? I often reason things in my life…and I have solved quite a few troubles that way. Somehow a top rating is not what I vie for anymore…coz that’ll put me in that horrible loop of pining for that rating every time there’s an appraisal. I free myself from their expectations. It feels so light.

I had to cancel a meeting today…which was an induction session and had 45 people involved. The worst part is, I received a last minute notice from Logistics that the room was booked for an important client visit. I desperately tried to arrange for another room, but in vain. Had to inform folks at the last moment and I don’t think all have received the update. Later, an hour after I sent the cancellation note, I learnt that the room wasn’t blocked for a client…the Logistics team wasn’t ‘aware’ that the room was already booked 2 weeks in advance by someone else and they committed to me without properly checking their records. And this enlightenment came from none other than the party who had booked the room. Now, normally I’d get infuriated for having paid the cost for someone else’s inefficiency, but all that I was bothered about was that folks who didn’t receive the update will have to come 4 hours earlier than their normal log in time and have nothing to do.

I mean….get a life!! Why arnt I angry??? I don’t have any self respect left. Am a scum. A floating, usless, lifeless, dirty piece of flotsam. Shameless to the core, irresponsible, dead.

A log of wood has more life and self esteem than I do.

Tear away

2007-11-01T14:43:00.001+05:30

I am sad… L…things arnt turning out as they should…am bored of it now…am disinterested…I feel tired…I want a break…and I cant have one…Damn.

Art of Detachment

2007-10-22T02:15:00.000+05:30

And the second in those series....Boy, I made lotta sense back then too! :))

Continuing from the previous post, a key element in loving yourself is taking care of yourself. Again,easier said than done.

Why does it hurt so much when people walk away from your life? Why does one feel so lonely and down? How can someone have the ability to cause us pain in such a capacity? Why cant people let go easily? Why are so many tears and heartbreaks a part of the process?

Nothing lasts.Really nothing does.At the end of the day,you are all by yourself.And most of the time,you are either sad or just plain blank.You wish for someone who could've being there to share your blues,but the stark reality is...even if someone is there,s/he wont be there forever.

Rem'ber before those presentations/speeches/plays in front of an audience, no matter how much anyone told u to be confident, you always had to have a lil talk with yourself , assuring yourself that everything would be ok ? Tht "C'mon,you can do it" pep talks before the D-Day. Revising your subjects, making sure you didnt leave out anything. Even if your pal said, he'll "take care" of certain portions, you'd still glance thru' it...you know,just in case!

Then why is it that when it comes to relations, we leave everything on the other party? Why does it hurt so much when they dont respond? Coz we expected the other person to care.And s/he didnt. Expectations are the root cause of most miseries.

Learn to detach yourself.From everything and everyone.And you need tremendous amout of self belief to do that.

You fulfil wht's required of you. You get out and get your due. You dont wait for anyone to do anything for you. You dont expect anyone to do/say anything. You simply state what you need. If it's fulfilled,well and good. If not,and if it's not in your capacity to fulfil it for urself,you move on. When you dont expect from someone,there's hardly anything that binds you to them,save blood ties and thick friendships.

It may sound a cold hearted approach, but it saves you from a lot of pain that comes from unfulfilled expectations. Making your wishes and dreams come true, keeping yourself happy is your responsibility. Dont let your emotions be at stake of someone's whims and fancies.

2007-10-22T02:13:00.000+05:30

Something that I posted 2.5 years ago...still applies...

I get hurt. Mebbe others get hurt too.And cry too.And get fed up of crying.Chuck everything, and say "To hell with this world"..decide to move on.And find themselves crying again.

From my observation,good and nice people cry more.Coz u wouldnt come across bigger fools than them.Am not talking abt goodness or being nice as foolishness.The problem arises when they expect others to be good too.Why will others be good to u? Jus coz u were good to them? Ha! Quid pro quo works only if someone is rubbed the wrong way.Otherwise people are happy for being treated nicely and conveniently forget about it.

To be loved in return.The eternal human need.Love.People want to love someone. And want to be loved in return.And my god,what all they endure for this! If only a fraction of that effort was spent in loving oneself...

Ever thought if you love yourself? How much? How do you love yourself? What do u do when you love yourself? Why is it so difficult to love yourself? Coz u know ur shortcomings, ur mistakes n faults... and this is the reason,when u discover the other person u 'loved' aint tht perfect as u tght, u get disillusioned. Nobody loves the other person's vices. Coz nobody can accept their own.

You'll buy gifts and roses and do what not for the person you love. Ever spared a thought to think what you would do for yourself if you loved yourself? Most people go blank. A treat at your favt restaurant, or an expensive indulgence or something as materialistic would be the answer of the remaining. None would promise to keep loving their own self forever.

This may sound like one of those centerspread articles frm TOI on sundays, but I was reading a blog when I came across a line.."All she wanted was love..." and I lost my cool. Everybody wants love,dammit. Big deal. And everybody goes through heartbreaks. So? You'll keep crying all your life,is it? Heck,why blame tht other person when you, yourself, arnt intrested in keeping your life happy and cheerful? He left you and you left yourself. And you carry on the search for someone who will love you. You crave for love. Coz you need to be loved,for you are a human being,after all! You cant love yourself. You always need someone else to do that for you.

Face it, if you cant love the person you are, the person you've being with all this years....what justice can you do to another person?? On second thoughts, seriously,AIIC!

© Zarine.

Doesnt merit a title.

2007-10-22T01:29:00.000+05:30

I had a collection of poems...almost 10 years of collection with the choicest of romantic poems I had penned for my 'Dream Guy'. They were around 40 in number.

After my first break-up, I burnt them all. I vividly remember that day on the terrace when I took my diary & a matchbox along with me. One by one, I tore the pages and added them to the fire. My sis came running up & shrieked at the sight. I continued till each one was gone.

Those poems were the stable factor of my life...I hung onto them... he made me destroy my
support system.

Allwin was glad that I let it go...all those years of expectations, dreams, hopes that every girl has of her guy...I felt like a person with no history...

I usually forgive people easily. I forgave & got over him for our breakup...but I shall never forgive him for what he did to my dreams. I hope he's reading this....for I hate him more than I can ever get myself to express.

© Zarine.

Reliving MBA days.

2007-10-22T01:05:00.000+05:30

I was going through my first blog on blogspot and realised how much I miss my MBA days. I chose to make that blog inaccessible...one gets re-directed to this one as soon as that one loads completely.

But those days....those sleepless nights...worrying about subjects just before exams and countless projects & quizzes...those pals...buddies who get so busy in their current lives that memories of those days dont hit them even once in a while...how I was such a loner in those days...staying up blogging or chatting with pals over the Internet...

Now the only thread that keeps me connected to that world is my guy...someone who found a mention even in the earliest of my posts' there....its difficult to explain how it feels to have your best buddy as your life partner...it feels like treasuring a part of your life....reliving it again & again...feeling that young & stupid & vulnerable all over.... a feeling of warmth... a complete feeling... coz here's someone who knows you from the days when you were gawky & crazy! Life's come a full circle... its about to...

© Zarine.

It's dark without you.

2007-10-16T00:15:00.000+05:30

Darkness flows into me...
From the sky high above
Or from deep within me
I know not.

I appear calm on the surface
From the still water below
Or coz of the lost wind across
I know not.

I dont see the stars
Due to the dark clouds
Or due to my misty eyes
I know not.

I do know
I can see just you
As you transcend me
Smooth and slow

I do know
I'd vanish into a cloud
If I could feel you closer
Feel you like my flow.

How I wish
I could embrace you
But your likeness reflects on me
Makes me feel complete, pure & true.

O Moon, if it weren't for my Land...I would go beyond for you...

© Zarine.

Yem Bee Yea.

2007-10-11T17:29:00.001+05:30

There often has been a debate on how an “MBA” actually helps or whether an MBA has skills which warrant the kind of pay packages that they attract. And more interestingly, we also have MBAs who, once into their job, crib about it and wonder “This is why I did my MBA for? “

I experienced an instance today wherein a group of MBAs from elite business schools were doing some pretty “not so MBA” work…removing price tags from books, to be precise. The books were to be given away in a business meeting and these folks did the selection, purchasing and now were gift wrapping it. Whilst this activity was on, one of them commented “Imagine I did my MBA for this!!! I really wonder what good that degree did to me!!?”

At that point, I turned around and told her, “If you hadn’t done your MBA, what you are doing now for an hour would’ve been your job, day in & day out. And the reason you are doing what you doing now, is just to remind you how better off in life you are. And yeah, being an MBA doesn’t mean you park yourself on the Board of Directors as soon as you start your career. You have to earn that place and doing all this will only make your earning & learning faster.”

Gyaan. Global Gyaan. From an MBA to an MBA, thanks to MBA.

If...

2007-10-03T17:49:00.001+05:30

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too:

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream -- and not make dreams your master;

If you can think -- and not make thoughts your aim,

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same:

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings,

And never breathe a word about your loss:

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with Kings -- nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much:

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And -- which is more -- you'll be a Man, my son!

-- Rudyard Kipling

Listen deep within.

2007-09-28T15:30:00.001+05:30

The best things about Troubles is that they always inform about their arrival. Be it through Signs, Omens, Intuition or Sixth Sense, human mind is receives signals about the impending danger…but we always intend to ignore them. As it goes, anything that isn’t practiced loses its efficiency. So, over a period of time, the more you listen to your intuition or Sixth sense…the better it gets and vice versa.

Next time around, you get a feeling that something’s around the corner…better heed it, coz safe than sorry, rem’ber?

Control ka funda.

2007-09-25T14:35:00.000+05:30

When do things get out of control? When we dont control them while they were under our control!! Hehehehe. Common sense, da. Not always, though. As in, giving a good performance in an exam is under my control. But what happens to my answer sheet, isnt.

We control because we want the outcome to be as desired. Argh...my thought flow was gone haywire....I'll catch up on this post later.

Gah!

Combating Loneliness

2007-09-21T20:10:00.001+05:30

There’s a difference between the two….being alone & being lonely. I’ve come to realize that both have a lot to do with one’s state of mind. Being alone is a choice one makes…and being lonely…well, again a choice one makes, but subconsciously. Loneliness is a state where one doesn’t enjoy anyone’s company, prefers to stay aloof, is not bothered with the affairs around and generally leads a solitary existence. When does this happen? A difficult question. Lady L often buddies up with the Dame D – Depression. And Dame D visits only after His Exalted Excellence – Excitement leaves. It’s a low after a high, a very big high (what English is that??).

Excitement exhausts a person so much that sustaining that level for a long period isn’t possible. One tends to build up on it…and wants more and more tempo to be added…and somewhere the cookie crumbles. Dame D is actually important in life, if one wants to attain some sorta balance. A balanced mind treats success & failure, high & lows with same attitude. A lil indifferent…a lil ‘cut off’.

When does one want to be alone? Usually when there’s so much turmoil in the mind…a dozen different voices shouting thousand different opinions..one needs to just et away and sort it out. Being alone is required when one wants to step back and take a perspective. Rarely does it have anything to do with Lady L. Infact, when Lady L visits, one doesn’t quite know the difference between the 2. Being alone = being lonely.

People who are comfortable being alone are those who are comfortable in their skins. But I would bet my bar of Cadbury’s that anyone who’s comfy in his skin has had a visit by Lady L sometime in his life.

All in all….Dame D is nature’s way to sober a person down. Infact, it makes one discover a lot about oneself…and tht’s important if one wants to really live life.

So here’s to Life and Loneliness! 3 cheers!

It's you and YOU!!!

2007-09-20T19:43:00.000+05:30

Abbaaahh! I’m so up to my neck with relations where the blame for its not working is on me. Yes, me. On Z. Just encountered one more.

Gah, give me a break man!!! I didn’t call/ I didn’t sms/ I don’t care/ I said that/ I didn’t say that/ I have changed/ I don’t care (yes, tht keeps coming again & again)/ I should’ve done this or that/ blah blah blah…/ I don’t care.

I fail to understand…when my pals have a problem with me, why don’t they talk? And why does the blame squarely lie on me? My guy thinks I pamper my pals a lot…but c’mon…they are ur buddies…you owe it to them.

Come to think of it…my girl buddies have been the most hassle free ones. Each one of them. And most of my guy buddies…don’t even get me started.

I pine for a normal, healthy, stress free friendship. Give it to me, folks!!!!!!!

Ps:- Think abt it. Most of the time its “you did this in this way…I expected it tht way”…it’s YOUR problem if you expected it tht way…I did my bit…am sorry if it didn’t ‘measure up’.

Change ko badlo!

2007-09-20T18:15:00.001+05:30

Change. I should be christened as the Change Agent of the Year. My personal life has seen much of it. And now professional life follows suit. I move to another assignment…my third in the last 18 months! What an 18 months it has been….facilitating HR for a new business in an established Unit to facilitating it for the oldest business in the same unit. Now moving on to handling it for a new business with a totally different unit. Different customer, diff rules, diff culture. The good part? In just 1.5 years, I get to handle the entire HR dept on my own. Wing to wing. The HR health will be directly proportional to my efforts & results.

Wow. That sure gives me a kick. I thought I would be apprehensive….but I have known myself enough to understand that the only time I get apprehensive is when…..umm….hmmm..err… You get it, right? J

Experience man….trust it to teach you like nothing else can. Folks out in the market think (and this I know from the innumerable consultants who call me) that in 1.5 yrs, one is still an HR Exec and shld be happy doing some dead man’s job (read back office & admin). When I did oblige them and attended one of the interviews with a leading Finance company, the guys there were eating out of my hand. Obviously they expected to see a ‘wet behind the ears’ greenhorn who wouldn’t know anything about Employee Relations. Post the interview, they offered me a Manager’s post! Beat that! Man, when I told my guy this….he asked me to go jump from the seventh floor…for I could only fly higher from there! (Now, what did that mean??! )

Am feeling good. Good about myself. And good about the fact that when I had a lean period in my career, I chose to speak to my boss about it, rather than crib. That I bid my time…and was patient enough to give things a chance.

And I also feel good about my guy. He bore the brunt of my mood swings & tantrums…held my hand when I was feeling lllooooowwwwww…and kept egging me to stay positive.

Take a bow, my love!

And here I comeeeeee………..Vvvvvrrrrrrrrroooooooooommmmmmmmmmm

Posting thru' email

2007-09-19T12:33:00.001+05:30

Test. Flunk it or fly thru!

Main yahin hooonnnN!!!

2007-09-16T20:20:00.000+05:30

As I often do, I was at it again. Wondering, that is. Wondering how much importance do I give to this page. This site on the internet which captures all my thoughts and feelings...stuff that it stores for me to visit and ponder that I wrote this stuff(!??).

Well, as it goes with most things in my life....if you cant respect something, do away with it. Dont hang around for the sake of it. Fence sitting & ambiguity are 2 traits I have least tolerance for.

:). No, am not doing away with my blog. It's been around for enough time for me to respect it. And more importantly, it has my thoughts & words in it...which makes it more respectable (some arrogance, eh?). So it shall stay...but my frequency shall go up.

Ah! Everytime a blogger says this..he goes on an even longer exile. I wonder (yet again!)...why do people make promises to their blogs??? As if it had its own existence & would get cross if you didnt update it! Or maybe they make promises to the visitors...who I wonder, really care if you updated or not...?!

Whatever. (My guy hates this word.)

© Zarine.

Kya yeh haasil hai?

2007-08-28T19:22:00.000+05:30

Tanha yun guzarte hain,
Koi saaya saath nahi...
Issi lamhe ke liye
Itni mehfilon ko raunak kiye the hum?

Yeh mere dost hain,
Apni wafa mein jeete hain
Inhi ke khaatir
Duniya se baaghi hue the hum?

Yun mera zameer hai
Mujhse juda aur ajnabee
Iss kambakhth ke liye
Apno se duur hue the hum?

Yeh kaunsi jagah hai
Kaunsa jahaan hai yeh
Iss dard-e-duniya ke liye
Jannat ko thukraa aaye the hum?

- Zarine.

© Zarine.

Yeh kya hai?

2007-07-25T20:06:00.000+05:30

It's such a turmoil at times...what's right...what's wrong...peace of mind...selflessness...living for others...living for self..

Am a lil disturbed off late...and it has a lot to do with the way things are in my life right now.The more judgmental one is, the more the disgust. This is right...do it this way..tht's not how its done...In the effort to to bring in some sanity to life, we bring in lots of rules, hoping that it will streamline everything. But it again doesnt work that way, does it?

Peace of mind is lost when we anticipate & experience sorrow before it comes. It's also lost when we think we deserve something & dont get it. This 'deserve' germ can actually harm us in more ways than we can imagine. Are we such good judges of self to understand what we truly deserve?

Unhappiness...is majorly coz we dunno yet what makes us happy. If somebody is happy doing his own thing, and we cant do our own thing, we become unhappy. Its so relative. Why cant my happiness start & end with my world? Why does it have to be measured against someone else's?

Insecurity...yet another demon which raises its head when you are so unsure of things.

Kya hai?? Itna kya tension hai? marr toh nahi jaoge na?! Aur agar mar gaye...toh tension kis baat ki hai?? :D

Chalo smmmyyyyllllleeeee :)))))))
© Zarine.

Hyd to Del and back

2007-05-19T16:17:00.000+05:30

Oui mah babeh! Its been a looouuunnggg time, I say!

Arey access nahi tha! Okay, thts a lie. Mood nahi tha? Shayad. Whatever.

Me's shifted base to Delhi. Work in Gurgaon. What a place. (Now make whtever u want to, of tht last stmt! ;) )

Hot hai, rains bhi hain..pata nahi yaar..kuch samajh nahi aaraha...ajeeb si jagah hai. Sahi saathi ka saath warna vaat lag jaati.

My blog has become soooooo boring! Bah! But they say, people who have a life off the net, have seldom any on it ;).

Cold coffee...aha..in this summer..hmmmuummmm. Waise got to be in Hyd during the unfortunate incident of the bomb blast. Sukoon nahi hai logon ko..kuch na kuch karna zaroori hai. Sigh.

Updates will be..am a maasi..mah best pal gave birth to a cute baby gal. Am yet to visit them.........:((((((((((((((((((((

I wanna go back to Delhiiiiiiiiiiiii..................... and not for the city, puhleez!

Quote of the day :- Shut up and listen.

Ciao.

© Zarine.

Recipe to Excel.

2007-04-18T01:59:00.000+05:30

Often what it takes to excel is

- Pushing yourself to the edge
- Asking the right questions
- Keeping your eyes at the next level
- Being excited about learning.

And most importantly, be in the company of Achievers.

All the best.

© Zarine.

From Pari... :)

2007-04-15T03:01:00.000+05:30

There once was a time,
When neither knew for sure
If this was the it
For which we'd hardships endure

Then came a time,
When he didnt know
If we'd last together
For our actions went against the flow

There was a time too
When I didnt know
If we were meant for each other
For it would create a row

Now is the time
When we know from the Lord above
Our togetherness is prime
For there is no other way we know Love.

© Zarine.

Reunion (?)

2007-04-01T21:50:00.000+05:30

When old pals meet after a loooooonnnngg time

A :- Hiiii!!
B :- Hey man!! Whatta surprise!!
A :- You bet yaar! Kaisa hai?
B :- Bas chal raha hai...tu bata...?
A :- Mast hai ...aur kya haal chaal..
B :- Theek thaak...sis got married last oct
A :- Accha?! Great man...and u?
B :- Time hai yaar..kaheko marwaa raha hai...tu bata?
A :- Same here yaar...
B :- Ummm..yeh...aur...
A :- Aur toh bas...chal raha hai
B :- How's XYZ? Koi news? I lost touch with most of them man
A :- Haan..thik hi hai...kahan time milta hai yaar..
B :- Haan...true...
A :- ..........
B :- ...........
A :- Chal toh phir milte hain..
B :- Haan boss...stay in touch, haan?
A :- Of course...take care..!
B :- You too! Cya.

The later in life you meet with a pal/acquaintance, the shorter the first conversation will be. Its as if the feeling hasnt sunk in...and they part before it does..promising to meet again...

Jab mile, tabh mil na sake..
Na jaane abh kab milenge
Agli mulakaat ke bharose
Iss mulakaat ko chod chale...

© Zarine.

Change...stable...umm?

2007-03-28T01:33:00.000+05:30

One of the most disturbing things in life is people saying that you are changing and they dont like the change. You really dunno how to deal with that, do you? Firstly, hullo...am I really changing?? Next, why wouldnt you accept it, if you like me so much?

Accha, leave the second question alone. Lets focus on the first one. Am I changing? Am getting to know more of myself, and trust me, its not a pleasant experience! So much is happening so fast...its like am moving at a top speed and have no control over the direction! Or do I?

Brrrrr! I need to outgrow myself...I wanna be like a snake who sheds off the old skin and renews itself every year. The past year has been too much for me and my fragile nerves. They didnt crack, thankfully...but now I seriously think am getting onto them! I feel like am on a roller coaster ride...up..down...swirl..twirl...wheesshh!!! Hang on! Wait!

One thing at a time.

Professionally :- Its almost a year since I started my career...and I feel so 'unaccomplished'. Dunno if its expecting too much...but I feel as if I could've done a better job. Would like to give myself the leeway of it being my first job and blah blah..but..nevertheless. How can I tackle this? I guess I know. I need a punching bag first!!

Personally :- Dont even get me started on this one!! Like I said in one of the earlier posts...too much of giving and spreading myself thin. Lotsa confusion. Lotsa compliances. Lotsa compromises. I need to get a hold...a firm grip, rather.

I hate myself when I cite others/situations responsible for my state....it shows they control me. And that's not acceptable. But the way I'd like to control things also needs to be relooked at. Guess am going from that "Dependence -> Independence -> Interdependence" stage. I need to identify partners for achieving my goals. I need to learn that an individual can only do as much. I need to collaborate. Thats my developmental need for the year *Jeez, I sound like my boss! :)) *

Zarine needs a stabilising agent. Zarine has a stabilising agent. Zarine only needs to be more stable for the agent to work on her.

Whatever.

© Zarine.

Let bygones be bygones...

2007-02-27T04:25:00.000+05:30

When most of the times in Life, we are on a lookout for that 'something special, something unique', we forget what we have with us couldnt be less special, less unique...if only we cared enough to look at it.

There's this thing about one person from my past....I keep thinking about him off and on for the kind of impact he left on my life. Not surprisingly, I somehow expect to figure in his list of 'things to remember' too...only to be give myself a sad smile everytime he conveniently forgets about me. What amazes me is...its not that I dont have Love in my life now or I miss him so badly...but the fact that I expect him to recall me the way I recall him...

Life moves on...wish we too did..

Woah...thanks to 19 straight hours of working..I feel my cabin floating around me now..would log off now...got a very very hectic week ahead...and need to let the Love of my life know I'm missing him right now...all alone here..

Love always,

Z.

© Zarine.

As it was...2006.

2007-01-01T20:05:00.000+05:30

With just about 30 posts in 10 months of this blog's existence speaks a lot about how prolific am at it these days. The old one had about 140 in almost 2 years :).

Wonder how much this indicates about my interests and priorities. Have never rated blogging as a TP thing, but the fact that I write less now....does it mean am talking to myself a lot more lesser?

Just a lil amused that how much I've learnt to live with Life, as it is. Taking things in my stride, compromising, being least bothered at times. 30 times in last 10 months...thats so unlike Z.

I know, deep down am keeping a low profile. As I keep discovering about myself, the more I choose to stay silent. (Btw, won a Silver Award for my performance. With 8 months of work ex under my belt...sounds good :) ). The only time I get flustered is when things dont go as planned at my work life. Have become such a stickler for perfect execution that misses get to me.

Personally, its being a roller-coaster. I feel totally sapped emotionally. It's been a year wherein it was all about what others thought, how convenient it was for them, how comfortable they were with things, how could I provide for them. Drains you out at times.

This year, I hope to be more honest to myself. This year I plan to break some hearts. This year I plan to undergo an acid test to reach where I want to. With whomsoever I want to. This year Z doesnt wanna be nice to anyone at an exorbitant cost to self. This year will be a year of push-backs. Will need to be more strong than before to withstand it all.

As it goes, its better to take the pain and become stronger than to suffer in silence and shrivel.

A lot more of my acquaintances will hear less of me, the close circle of friends will find me more around for them. Every new thing I do has to be connected to some existing habit of mine. Things can work if they sync into each other...if there's some continuity of sorts. Out of blue ideas will stick out like sore thumb in the larger picture. Come to think of it...in the pursuit of learning newer things, how much justice do we do to what we have already learnt? Learning and forgetting is an insult to the entire process.

This year...lets just question some more...be more curious...be more candid...be more honest.

May God nurture our Souls.

© Zarine.

Losing in relationships

2006-11-09T03:53:00.000+05:30

How important is it?

When we meet someone who we like and would love to be associated with, we often greet the person with open arms in our lives. We realise the person's importance over a period when we spend time/moments/secrets/dreams with them. And one fine day, we find the person gone.

Lets not talk about a natural separation called Death, we cant do anything about it. It's about those separations which we knowingly/unknowingly bring into a relation.

Some people cant stand others getting too close to them. They start behaving in a wierd manner and try to create distances. Some people want the ones who are close to be more closer...classic eg:- Best friends marrying each other. What about those who fall in neither category?

These folks usually dunno how to handle it. They get edgy when someone gets too close...and they move away...and when the drift starts, they get uneasy and try to hold on, thus creating a mess outta the relation. Why cant we decide who we want to be close with in our lives? Why is there so much doubt and suspicion when it comes to trusting our lives to someone?

I have freely trusted many folks. And now most of them dont even figure in my "Say 'Hi' atleast." list. They hurt me, let me down, but all that's part of the game. I have also found some gems who I can blindly depend on. It's a tradeoff.

But you know who's the worse of the lot? Those who care but cant show. Those who dont have the guts to live upto the relation. Those who would confess, only if cornered. Those who are more scared of what x/y/z would think if they admitted the truth. Those who cant decide what's more important :- the other person or the World. They would suffocate themselves and the other person too. No wonder they end up losing that person. And rightly so.

But lose everyone should. Atleast for a moment, if not for a month. Atleast for a second, if not for a season. Atleast for a fortnight, if not forever. Lest that happens, you'd never how life would be without that precious person. And you'd never know how incomplete you could be...

© Zarine.

Death

2006-10-16T01:21:00.000+05:30

Why is man so scared of Death? When it is so inevitable, when it so certain then why cant he accept it easily? Life is a step ahead of Death. The day it stops walking, Death will overtake it.

Live, anyway. Die, we will, anyway.

© Zarine.

Uh oh..Sorry!!

2006-10-09T01:35:00.000+05:30

Hmm...goof ups...mistakes...galtiyaan. Kisse nahi hoti? Mujhe se bhi hui hai, My Lord!!

Jaise ke:-

Clicking reply on my own mail and then sending the reply to myself :| It was meant to be forwarded!!
Confusing 2 associates with same initials and then sending the wrong one for redeployment. Poor thing, she was wondering why I wanted her to move out! :))
When not aware of a particular policy, trying to figure it out through common sense. Lesson learnt :- Not all policies are common sense friendly.
Changed the date of a major event and forgot to inform all those involved! :| It was a BAD experience! :((
**Added after Vipul's comment** - I had to draft a mail whose recipients were all the top honchos. I very meticulously wrote it...checked and rechecked the sentences, spellings..even read the sentences out aloud to see how they sounded! (DuH!). After a thorough check....clicked "Send". A minute later, one of them replied with a curt 1 sentence mail :- "Mails should always have a subject line." Yeh!!! I was so occupied with the body of the mail...once it was perfect...I was totally exhausted and sent the mail without filling anything in the Subject line! I banged my head on my keyboard after receiving my VP's mail!! :)). :((. I still dunno whether to laugh or cry abt it!!

I love my job (Just realised!)

2006-09-30T21:52:00.000+05:30

Lil amusing that I havnt blogged about my work life yet!! But me being me, sigh, anything is possible :).

I'd rather talk about how it feels being an HR Professional.

You are expected to know all the answers, be it policy related or "why my salary hike isnt reflecting in my pay slip!" sorta queries.
You get invited to every team's offsite and parties. None wants to be in HR's bad books, you know ;-)
You gotta be empathetic towards the other members (I hate calling them 'employees', dunno why!)...doesnt matter if you've had a bad day, you just cant pass off the heat to them!
Ops (Operations i.e) would love if you said 'yes' to whatever practices they're following. Say 'No' and then you get to see the real drama unfold :).
It's imp that the top management buys in your ideas, else none below them will respect it.
You touch lives directly. The smile/gratitude one gets to see when an associate gets the kinda project he wants or has his case resolved in time is sooooooo heartening :). I save all those "Thanks a ton, Zarine..." mails. (At times, fwd them to my bosses, as well ;-) ).
The control you have over their careers is mind numbing. You get to decide who gets deployed where...you get to decide who gets how much hike...you decide how much loan is to be approved. And all this while balancing the HR and Ops. Not getting carried away by "Mom's not well, need loan" to putting your foot down on members being made to wait at interviews with other departments.
That look in the eyes of the associates when you ask them "I believe there's something bothering you. Can we talk it over?" They just cant believe that the company really cares.

That euphoric feeling you get on Monday morns when you drag yourself to office only to be greeted by 300+ smiling faces..."Morning Zarine...Hi Zarine...Hey Z!...". Makes me feel on toppa the world..!! :) :) :)
Times when your bosses simply ask you, "Where do you see us in terms of manpower, redeployment, engagement and attrition in Q1, '07? " and you are like "*Gulp!* What?? Am just 5 months into my first job..!!" feeling reeling in your head!! :))
Those days when an associate in her performance review confesses "Zarine, I need help in terms of training. I want to move to the next level. Please guide." And you give that assuring smile and say "Give me a documented plan on your development and we'll sit over it with the Training team." The training plan gets discussed and closed. 4 months down the line you see a mail in your inbox.. "hadnt it been for you, Ma'am, I wouldnt have made it here." Ah! What more do ya need..? :)

Net net - Being in HR, I'm glad I didnt get sucked into those draconian admin jobs. Instead my company has given me a free hand at planning and implementing things which directly impact our manpower. My first boss (Who's now with the US branch) had said "I see you changing this place". And am so so glad, am living upto those words.

Ps:- I didnt mention the mega goof ups I keep making :)). C'mon, how'd I learn otherwise...I wasnt born an HR Manager :) . Let's save tht for another post!

Adios..!!

- Z. (That's how I sign off my mails...now everyone calls me 'Z' instead of Zarine! :)) )

© Zarine.

Ramadan Mubarak..!

2006-09-25T00:04:00.000+05:30

Arz kiya hai...

2006-09-05T02:33:00.000+05:30

Kuch aise bhi lamhe hoten hain
Jinke hone ki umeed nahi hoti
Choo kar jabh yeh guzar jaate hain
Toh muskuraate aansuon ki keemat nahi hoti

Yun toh dekhten hain hazaar khwaab
Par har khwaab ki taqdeer haqeeqat nahi hoti
Jis pal koi haqeeqat khwaab ban jaaye
Aise pal se zindagi muflis nahi hoti

Mat karo na-umeed is dil ko
Bujhte chiraag se roshni nahi hoti
Toofan se darr kar jo saahil par reh jaaye
Aisi kashti ki koi manzil nahi hoti.

~ Z.

© Zarine.

Waiting...

2006-08-31T04:33:00.000+05:30

I look forward to the day
When I can forgive myself
For all the promises not kept
For all the memories forgotten.

I look forward to the day
When I can dance my heart out
Sing to my soul's content
And not care what they're thinking.

I look forward to the day
When I can smile
Inspite of knowing that I failed
Inspite of knowing that I'm weak.

I look forward to the day
When my resilence gives strength
Everytime I give in,
And to everyone who gives up.

I look forward to the day
When I will not wake up with my mind occupied
With the past follies
With the future make-ups.

I look forward to the day
When today will matter more
When past gives me reasons to smile
When future gives me hope to live on...

I look forward to the day
When I shall not measure myself
Against standards set by them
Against perfection.

I look forward to the day
When relativity ceases to exist
In my existence
In my relations.

I look forward to the day
When I can smile
With just a thought of a pal
With just a thought of myself.

I look forward to the day
When I seek the joy of fulfilment
The joy of completeness
From myself.

I look forward to living without the guilt of living for myself.

© Zarine.

'KANK'y stuff.

2006-08-29T00:25:00.000+05:30

When I first saw the trailers, I developed disgust for this movie. Yet another mega starrer-tear jerker. Why cant they use stars for a better purpose?!

On a sad sunday noon, me and mom decided to watch this one. All geared up for a sloppy show, I left the theater thinking "Finally, Bollywood is growing up."

I found the movie interesting. Because it had so many flawed characters. None was perfect..(Abhishek came close to being the perfect man, but the night he makes Rani realize her 'inadequacies', lo..! he's one amongst us.)

I wonder...

If SRK would've fallen in love with Rani if she was a successful woman, like his wifey.
If Abhishek ever cared to look beyond his own nose. "I love..I love..I love..; She doesnt...she doesnt...she doesnt." Ever cared to find out why she doesnt...?
Why couldnt Rani get over her obsession with "Love" and cast one caring glance at her hubby...
If their (SRK and Rani's) love was so true and strong, why didnt they tell it all and walk out on their partners, instead of leaving each other-crying copious tears in front of their partners-getting ditched-staying all alone for goddamned 3 years?
Why after 3 years it was "Oh my god, he's alone..am alone too...lets unite!" sorta convenient thingie?
Why do Abhi and Preity feel they could decide for their partners as well?
Why couldnt Preity slow down and match SRK's pace in life? You cant live life your own way, and then say "he doesnt understand."

Am sure, many more would pop up... but this movie made me more averse to the whole marriage syst. It's just too demanding on one's nerves..!!

© Zarine.

Tale mein twist

2006-08-12T04:37:00.000+05:30

Yeee Hawww.

Some post the last post was. Poor ol' Z sounded as the most wretched creature on Earth! Sob, sob.

Hehehehe, raat gayi baat gayi..:D Saari bhadaas nikaal di uss post mein...now it seems so light within..

Oww kaay...Apun ki life mein ek twist aaya hai...jiski agar sahi angle pe banking nahi ki to accident hojayega :D

So while I negotiate this curve...keep zooooommmming folks..........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yo!

© Zarine.

For no reason.

2006-08-04T21:51:00.000+05:30

Hi.Am down. For a very personal and strange reason. For a reason that none is to blamed. For a reason that it was none’s fault. For a reason that Life sucks. For a reason that whenever I choose to be close to what I like…Life smirks at me. For a reason that I can never get to do what I really want to do. For a reason when my heart wants to speak out and reach out to someone, I face a vacuum. For a reason that I am alone when I want to celebrate an occasion with someone I want to… For a reason that Life has decided that I stay the Loner that I am. For the reason that every happiness I want is delayed. For a reason that I don’t feel the happiness when it actually happens. For a reason that the fire within me is dead by the time its time comes. For a reason that reaffirms my faith in the thing that what I really love and hold dear shall always stay away from me. For a reason that those who love me have to be kept at a distance, ‘coz I cant get them close. For the reason that when I want to get them close, I have to distance away from that which is precious and already close to me. For a reason that Zarine shall always long in her life. For a reason that Zarine doesn’t celebrate her success. For a reason that Zarine isn’t surprised when she fails. For a reason that Zarine sleeps alone and lonely. For a reason that Zarine cries by herself. For a reason that Zarine is looked upon to be strong…for she is her only anchor. For the reason that what she anchors on itself is dependant on her. For occasions like this when the kid within is hurt. For the fact that it gives up on Hope. For the reason that everytime it hoped from deep within, the hope died infront of its eyes. For the fact that Life gave her a life of ‘penny wise, pound foolish’.For she gets small stuff but is denied everything big. For the fact that none expects her to crib. For the reason that she doesn’t know if she should expect anything from anyone at all. For a small hope that gets killed in one shot. For none’s fault. For the fact that she hopes people read this and feel sorry for her. Worry about her. And she’d fool them into believing that everything’s alright and she’s a strong gal. Yet again. For she can never accept the fact that she can be hurt too…none can…For the reason that I dunno why something so private needs to be posted. For the reason that I hope it reaches out to someone who’d save me from myself. For the reason that I’d let someone like this enter my life. For the reason that I wont let anyone come tht close to me. For the reason that I choose to be the Loner that Life wants me to be.

For a joke called Life. For a puppet called Zarine. For a Hand called God.

© Zarine.

Operation Mission

2006-07-31T02:53:00.000+05:30

"kuch paane ki ho aas aas "
Umm...no aas mere aas paas.

"koi armaan ho jo khaas khaas "
Nah. None. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

"guzre aise har raat raat ho khwaishoon se baat baat "
:)..sapne dekhne ka time nahi hai :.

"kuch aisa kar ke dikha khud khush ho jaaye khuda "
Pata nahi kya chehra batayenge uss Khuda ko...

"aashayein khile dil ki ummedein hase dil ki "
Guess high time they did..

Think man, think! Feel it! What drives your life?? What is the passion of your life? What is that one dream....that fire which fuels you?!

Discover yourself...life aint worth otherwise...

© Zarine.

Reliving the old...

2006-07-23T02:57:00.000+05:30

I simply love old songs. Few new ones are good too..but the old ones have a mystical touch to them. Infact, when I listen to the oldies on my system...they remind me of Mom and Dad. The times when they would listen to the old songs together after dinner...those images are etched in my mind...how much would I love if my guy too loved my kind of music...sitting together, listening to these melodies..life would complete the circle...

Ps:- Cant thank you enough for the 400+ old songs you gave me...u dunno how much I value them, Vipz.

© Zarine.

Free fall.

2006-07-02T20:39:00.000+05:30

Off late, have often caught myself thinking/imagining about bungee jumping during the meetings. I feel like running outta the room into the greens. Want to free fall. Zip, zap, zooom.

*********************************************

When I used to hear about Life and the choices it offers, I would smirk. It was all pre-determined to such an extent that even what we would choose would be part of the larger design! Hmmm..doesnt look like it works that way. What we choose determines how people perceive us. It's of no use to make sense of what people are saying/doing, coz they keep changing. Everything is so fluid and dynamic that you crave for some stability. Something to hang onto...an anchor..a support...

*********************************************

Miles to go before I sleep...
Hundreds of promises to keep...
I swear on the Lord above,
I must be one helluva procastinating creep!

© Zarine.

B'day Blue..Pink...whatever..

2006-06-29T03:27:00.000+05:30

Ow, it was my b'day on 27th june. Ideally should've posted something...ah, if only things were ideal enough..!

Whatever.

© Zarine.

Dazed

2006-05-28T22:25:00.000+05:30

At times I'm a little lost. Something is on in my mind, but I have no clue what it is. Moving ahead becomes difficult coz something is holding you back. Restlessness and anxiety take over. What on earth is happening?

I feel like walking alone in the night. Guess that should soothe me down...

Hmm.

© Zarine.

All the best, buddy.

2006-05-27T23:47:00.000+05:30

Vipz, all the best as you start your career. My prayers will always be with you. Stay firm during the tough times for they are the signs of coming happiness. Take care of yourself and hold yourself above shallow characters. Make mistakes and learn from them. Grow from strength to strength. In any moment of doubt, just remind yourself that you are one of the most precious things I posess. And anything that I prize is the best that Life can offer to anyone.

You are the best - Never forget that.

Will stay your pal forever,

Zari.

© Zarine.

Killer V.

2006-05-16T02:25:00.000+05:30

Vengeance is a powerful driver. It takes you over and makes you lose sight of sense. To give back as you got it gives one a sense of Power. The power to make/mar someone's life. In the heat of the moment - when the other person is at 'your' mercy - you have to make the call. Pull the trigger or let him go. All those past moments flash in your mind, hormones start racing your heart and you pull the trigger. Peace. Its over. Or is it a begining of a tumultous future?

I have seen people take revenge. I remember that smile on their face and their emotionless eyes. Some people hurt/kill others to remove all that symbolised a painful past. They think by removing that person, they can shrug off their past. Or if they give that person his 'due', they'd feel better. It's been a while since I saw someone, who destroyed/spoiled someone else's life, lead a peaceful life himself. Has anyone of you witnessed this?

Not taking revenge is considered a sign of cowardliness. I believed in this too. With time I have realised, seeking revenge worsens matters. Instead just let him be. Nothing can hurt a person more if you ignore his presence, his existence. It hits him right there. He might then try to make your life difficult and thats when you should ask him to buzz off. Self defence should not be compromised, come what may.

Few things grow when ignored, like those annoying weeds. But what caused those weeds to appear? Lack of proper gardening? And now that they are there, what do you do? Ignore them so that they wreak havoc in your garden? You weed them out, right? Use herbicides and all that? You uproot them. Kill the cause. And they come back next year, and you do it all over again. You arnt exactly 'killing' the cause, are you? So you think what causes them to recur every year. You figure its your gardening. You arnt doing the right things. Then you plant all the right plants and take care the right way. The weeds dont turn up in all their grandeur next year (but they'll still be here and there).

Lesson? Killing the cause wont help. Kill the habit within you which is causing it.

© Zarine.

I babble too.

2006-05-13T03:10:00.000+05:30

Sob sob..the last post reminded me of the times when I saw this flick with Vipul the Pahwa, right a day before the final exams..! :( Vipullllll...........:(((((((((

***********************

Waise, on work front..me got a nice boss (touchwood, *nice* is an understatement! ). He keeps enquiring if I have resumed blogging?! Dont stop blogging and get a life outside work are his commands for the week :)). Okay okay..am not blogging coz he asked me to..(see see boss, am so nice :P ), am blogging coz I feel like..(yeh right!! :)) )

***********************

I thought of penning down a post on "Lies and all that lies beneath them" (waah waah, what a title!!), but I felt so good after thinking out the title that the post will now have to wait (hehehehehe..lazy me cooks excuses like nobody's business :D )

***********************

Umm..thats it for now.

Vipul come back soon re...dumbass, who goes travelling in hot summer??!!!

Ziddi ladki.

2006-05-13T02:52:00.000+05:30

What I reallllyyyyyyyyyy like abt this pic and the song "Khalbali" is the "break free" mood it carries. Umm..thts me all the way :)

Aha..I feel like typing down the lyrics (since all u folks arnt fortunate enough to hear me croon it :D ). The parts of the song I love :-

hone hone de nasha khone khone ko hai kya - 2
ek saans mein pee ja zara zindagi chadha
hai yeh toh ek jashan tu thirakne de kadam
abhi saanson mein hai dam abhi chalne de sitam

aankhon mein hai khalbali
dhadkanon mein khalbali
mausamo mein khalbali
hai khalbali

kaisi yeh tabdili hai
sheeshi botal pee li hai
raat neeli neeli hai
hai khalbali

And this one :------------>

Ziddddiii ziddddii ziddddiii zidddiii
Ziddddiii ziddddii ziddddiii zidddiii armaaaan
Ziddddiii hai toofaaan
Zidddddii hum bhi yahaan..!

Yeh right, outright ziddi and proud of it :).

© Zarine.

Thinking aloud

2006-05-01T00:45:00.000+05:30

This post was long overdue..but then I had to make it. :)

I've lead a strange life. One where I dont get what I aspire for. When I settle for something lesser, all that I wanted falls right into my lap! I always knew myself as a fighter. I'd fight for anything and everything! So when life doesnt give me what I want, I take what it gives me and turn things around.

With time, I have seen myself grow more comfortable in my skin. My definition of achievement/success are my own now. I no longer aspire for someone else to commend me for what I've done (rather I wince when folks say I've done well!).

It's gonna be a straight from my heart post...so I might sound vain at times...

Thanks to all the people who walked out of my life...who ditched me..dumped me...betrayed me. Now I know that the only person who'll see me through all this is Myself. I have had instances when I almost broke up with those who are now in my "Indispensable Folks" list. I chose not to react. I dont believe in vengeance. Invariably God does that for me. I let them go. And they came back. Few others might choose to do the same...I wont stop anyone. 'Coz I know, I'll live through it all...

I joined my first job a week back. It came outta blue...and I chucked my campus offer for it. This place is helping me realise myself. My AVP tells me, "I see you changing this place." I dunno if I'd. But I'd for sure make anything better than it is now, if I can.

I dont make promises to myself anymore. I just make it a point to deliver all that I can. Life is so simple this way. The way to bigger things is to get the smaller ones right.

I dont have a "Love" in my life. All that I have are coupla pals who I hang onto. These folks make up for tht one person. They are my love, life, support system and my anchor. 1 week into my job and I know close to 100 people already. Making pals was never a problem with me....but calling them when I need to has been. But this gang - guess it goes without saying....

I dont blog the way I used to....and I seriously dunno why. Mebbe coz now I simply talk and discuss what I'd normally put down here.

Life has been strange. I've been through shit. I've been on cloud nine. All that I wish now is the ability to handle situations with panache...as they come, when they come.

Life is beautiful.
© Zarine.

The Fact.

2006-04-06T00:30:00.000+05:30

"The central part of my own life is my death. After a while,it will all come to nothing. Whenever I have the courage to face this, my priorities become clear. At such times nothing is done in order to achieve something else. No energy is wasted on maintaining the illusions. My image does not matter, I do not worry about how I am doing. I do what I do, am what I am. That's it. The imminence of my own death is the pivot around which things turn. This makes what is going on now all that counts."

"All relationships are temporary. It's so terribly hard to remember that we have so little time. We stall, kid ourselves, promise that we will deal with things some time soon. Not only are there many things that we never get around dealing with, but even when we do, there is so damn much waste in the process, so much unnecessary distance between ourselves and those with whom we try to make a life."

© Sheldon B. Koop.

Hmm

2006-04-05T03:20:00.000+05:30

Mohabbat mein nahi hai
Fark jeene aur marne ka,
Usi ko dekhkar jeeten hai
Jis kaafir pe dam nikle.
Hazaaron khwahishein aise ki
Har khwahish pe dam nikle....

© Mirza Ghalib.

Reading Season.

2006-04-05T00:12:00.000+05:30

As I got loads of time to kill, I decided to dig out some old books. Some of my favt subjects like Data Communication & Networking, Modern Database Management, TCP/IP, Java Applications and Web Designing were back on my table. Best part is,this time I'll not be reading them like a student does :).

I came across a book called "If you meet Buddha on the road,kill him." It has a line which impressed me - "No meaning that comes from outside of us is real." The book talks about how Gurus and Spiritual Guides are nothing better but a guiding force to discover what lies within ourselves. Will write a review on it. I read 3-4 pages and was thinking over it for 2 hours! :O :O.

One dhaasu line from that book :- "Only what you can let go will stay with you."

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Mask

2006-03-30T22:45:00.000+05:30

Vipul the Pahwa seriously posts here about masks and all.

I dont see any problem with masks. Not everyone deserves to know you as you are. Different people, different situations and therfore a different you. As long as you can control who you are, no issues.

At some time the mask will come off, you say? Then lemme put it this way. Replace masks with faces in the above para. Now now faces dont come off,do they? ;)

Itna sonchneka nahi life mein. Jab situation jaisa hai,waisa react karneka.

© Zarine.

Lost in 'Space'.

2006-03-27T00:23:00.000+05:30

I like this place man. Feel like talking forever here :).

Since all my pals turned into bewafaas and left me to join their jobs/homes, am all by myself. Useless things pass my mind and I'm too lazy to ponder over them :P. Raving raving and ranting ranting about nothing at all.

I read somewhere "People want space in their relationships". I wanted too. Before I knew it was all BS. Now I'd rather have my guy calling me up and bugging me all the time than having 'space'. I'll just say "Quid pro quo,hon" and he'll back off :D.

What space man..kya karoge space ka? Why do u want any emptiness in a relation? Why cant u be your respective selves anyway? Before you know, that space turns into a huge gap which would require a bridge to close the divide. Cherish the proximities. Not everyone is lucky to have their loved one by their side :(.

IF there's enough respect in a relation, you'd naturally let the other person be as he/she is. "Space" factor is taken care of.

Hai na?

© Zarine.

Who's listening anyway?

2006-03-26T15:44:00.000+05:30

With lots and lots and lots and lots of time to kill, I am surfing the Net most of the time. What surprises me is the number of blogs, forums and networking sites that are running. Everyone (well, almost) has a blog these days. We got forums that have people coming together and discussing stuff. And you ought to be extinct if you havnt heard of Orkut.These places are good for creating new links in our lives. You get to meet so many folks and your circle expands. So far so good.

The Net has empowered everyone with the Freedom of Opinion. You can simply pick up some topic and state your thoughts about it. Though this is a good thing which sets one's gray cells thinking, what worries me is the authenticity of such opinions. If I need to know about something, how do I know who to listen to?? Too much of information is a burden now.

Everyone puts across their 'opinion' making the content subjective to some extent. Right,left and center we got portals and websites asking you to voice your opinion on something!! There was a time when I was an active member of such forums, but after a while it didnt make much sense to me. You talk,discuss,argue,fight,move on. Next topic. Repeat. If your information can help someone, that's good. But pointless debates and discussions beat me.Like a wise man once said, "Right to be heard does not imply right to be listened to."

The Net is a powerful media. Last few months have witnessed its impact on some relevant issues. But we need to make a clear distinction between 'news' and 'opinion'. Between what is to be heard and what's to be ignored. Some portals have the "Who's who" talking about issues. These folks know their stuff. Some portals have greenhorns talking about what they like. This makes for good timepass reading. Some portals have both. We gotta be choosy here. More choices make life more complicated, right? :)

Am off to somemore surfing....hail free time! :D

© Zarine.

So we begin..!

2006-03-26T02:26:00.000+05:30

Ok. New Blog. New Beginning. Really?

Nah! :D It's the same me but in a new,improved package :)).

I got 2 more (sad) months to go before I join mah job. Till then I decided to hand over the reins to mom. The going has been smoother than I imagined :D.

Am jumping around the house...And yeah,am gonna make Aloo Paranthas for breakfast on Sunday morn :D.

Wow man...intellectually void posts are fun!! :))

© Zarine.

Brand New Day

2006-03-24T17:33:00.000+05:30

Yoohoo!!

I dont like carrying the luggage of the past. Hence an altogether new blog. One cant erase one's history, so that old blog stays just the way it is.

Life's got a new beginning in more ways than one. It's not a new chapter but a whole new book!

So....zooooooommmmmmmmm innnnnnnnnn to the Futurrrrrreeeee....! :D